HOW DO I LOOK?
FRED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE THIS ONE?
WELL, IT'S, AH, NOT AN OUTFIT
I WOULD HAVE PUT TOGETHER,
BUT IT LOOKS VERY SMART ON YOU, SON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THAT WET HAIR, ARE YOU, DEAR?
MOM, MY HAIR ISN'T WET.
I PUT VITALIS IN IT.
LOOK, IT'S IN A COOL DUCKTAIL, JUST LIKE DAD'S.
CHRIS, YOU'RE NOT BECOMING ONE OF THOSE
MAFIA WISE-GUY GOODFELLAS, ARE YA?
DAD, COME ON.
THAT KIND OF BREAK TAKES THE SORT OF CONNECTIONS I JUST DON'T HAVE.
NO, I'M ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THIS
BECAUSE MY BOSS WANTS TO SEE ME,
AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I'M GETTING A PROMOTION.
A PROMOTION.
OH, CHRIS, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE A DESK JOB?
MA, PLEASE, NO.
I'M AS MUCH A PART OF THE STREETS AS THE GUM ON THE SIDEWALK IS,
AS THE CIGARETTE BUTTS AND THE CRACKS,
AS THE WORMS THAT COME OUT AFTER A SUMMER'S RAIN
TO MAKE SWEET LOVE UNDER THE HOT AFTERNOON SUN.
I'M SORRY, I'M GETTING WAY TOO POETIC.
NO, I'LL NEVER GIVE UP THE STREETS.
WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE SUCH DEDICATION.
IT'S ASININE AND IT'S MISGUIDED,
BUT IT'S DEDICATION.
THANKS, DAD.
THEY PROBABLY WANT TO EXPAND MY TERRITORY
TO REWARD A JOB WELL DONE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S GONNA COST 'EM.
HERE'S MY LIST OF DEMANDS.
UH, "APPLY CREAM TO AFFECTED AREA TWICE DAILY."
OH, I'M SORRY THAT'S MY OINTMENT INSTRUCTIONS.
DON'T ASK, DAD.
DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST ACCEPT WHAT THEY OFFER YOU, DEAR.
MA, THAT'S THE KIND OF ROLL OVER ATTITUDE
THAT HAS US STILL DRIVING A MONTE CARLO INSTEAD OF A HOVERCRAFT.
CHRIS, YOU CAN'T DRIVE A HOVERCRAFT ON A HIGHWAY.
DAD, I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO THIS ARGUMENT WITH YOU AGAIN, OK?
THE POINT IS, I HAVE THE NEWSPAPER RIGHT WHERE I WANT 'EM.
HERE'S MY REAL LIST OF DEMANDS.
I NEED A PADDED SEAT FOR MY BIKE,
A THERMOS AND A MISTRESS.
ON 24 HOUR CALL, 7 DAYS A WEEK
BYE.
GOOD LUCK, DEAR.
GLADYS, IF THEY GIVE HIM A MISTRESS,
I'M GETTING A PAPER ROUTE.
OH, FRED.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME PETERSON.
THANKS, RONNY.
PETERSON, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A PAPERBOY?
UH, WELL, LET'S SEE NOW, THERE'S, UH, 1, 2, 3.
UH, 18 YEARS IN JANUARY.
WELL, FOR MANY OF THOSE 18 YEARS
YOU'VE BEEN A VALUED EMPLOYEE.
WELL, THANKS RONNY, I... I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
AND AS YOU KNOW, HERE AT THE PAPER WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR WAYS TO IMPROVE PERFORMANCE.
WELL, YEAH, ME, TOO.
LIKE WHEN I WAS TAKING STEROIDS, REMEMBER?
IT'S TERRIBLE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP THOUGH,
THE MUSCLE JUST TURNS RIGHT TO FAT.
MMM, NOW THIS CHART
REPRESENTS THE PRODUCTIVITY
WE COULD EXPECT FROM THE AVERAGE 12-YEAR-OLD PAPERBOY.
OF COURSE YOUR RESULTS ARE SOMEWHAT BETTER
SINCE YOU'VE MASTERED THE JOB OVER THE LAST 2 DECADES.
ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR?
UH, WELL, ACTUALLY, TO BE HONEST,
I'M A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH PIE GRAPHS.
BUT PLEASE CONTINUE.
WELL, AS... AS YOU CAN SEE
WE'VE HAD GENERALLY GOOD PERFORMANCE WITH JUST A FEW DIPS
REPRESENTING SICK DAYS AND VACATIONS,
BUT ON THE WHOLE WE'VE BEEN QUITE PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS.
I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE SORRY TO LOSE YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
THERE'S A NEW PAPERBOY IN TOWN.
LET ME INTRODUCE PAPERBOY 2000.
THE HIGH-TECH ANSWER TO NEWSPAPER DELIVERY.
THIS MACHINE DOES THE WORK OF ALL OUR PAPERBOYS FASTER
AND IN A MUCH MORE ECONOMICAL FASHION.
IN FACT, WE ESTIMATE SAVING OF UP TO $4 A WEEK.
$4 A WEEK?
I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH,
BUT OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR IT REALLY ADDS UP.
WELL, I GUESS IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY
IT DOES KIND OF SOUND IMPRESSIVE.
WOW, WHAT A DAY.
YOU GOT THIS FANCY NEW MACHINE AND I'M GETTING A RAISE.
LET'S GO OUT AND HAVE A PARTY.
PETERSON, YOU'RE NOT COMPREHENDING THIS, ARE YOU? YOU'RE FIRED.
WHAT?
WELL, THIS IS JUST A BLATANT CASE OF SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION,
CUT AND DRY AND WRAPPED UP WITH A LITTLE BOW.
NO, IT'S BECAUSE OF PAPERBOY 2000.
TIME MARCHES ON, PETERSON.
SOON PAPERBOY 2000 WILL BE A STAPLE OF AMERICAN LIFE.
MARK MY WORDS, PETERSON,
IF NORMAN ROCKWELL WERE ALIVE TODAY,
HE'D BE PAINTING THIS BABY.
WAIT A SECOND.
NORMAN ROCKWELL'S DEAD?
GOSH!
YOU KNOW, I JUST NEED ABOUT 5 HOURS OF QUIET TIME ALONE IN THIS OFFICE, PLEASE.
DON'T WORRY, PETERSON, I'M SURE YOU'LL LAND ON YOUR FEET.
WELL, TO BE HONEST I HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT THAT.
ANYWAY, PASS THE NEWS ON TO THE OTHER PAPERBOYS.
TOMORROW IS YOUR LAST DAY.
DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE ON MY LAST DAY
FOR YOU TO PROVIDE ME WITH A MISTRESS?
OH, DR. KRAMER. THANKS FOR COMING.
MRS. WHITMAN.
WE'RE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU, CHRIS.
YOU KNOW, CHRIS, LOSING A JOB IS ONE OF THE LEADING CAUSES
OF STRESS-RELATED ILLNESS.
SO WHAT EVER YOU DO, TRY NOT TO DIE.
WELL, I'LL TRY, DOC.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING, BEING REPLACED BY A MACHINE.
IT'S LIKE 1984. YES.
UH, THE YEAR'S 1990, DOC,
BUT, UH, I APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT.
LET'S GET STARTED. LET'S SETTLE DOWN.
LET'S SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE.
I KNOW WE'RE ALL SO ANXIOUS TO HEAR FROM OUR OWN CHRIS PETERSON.
HE CALLED THIS MEETING TO DISCUSS HIS PAPER ROUTE,
BUT FIRST IS THERE ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
SHARON POTTER, VERY WELL.
THANK YOU MRS. TROGDEN.
RESIDENTS OF GREENVILLE, WE ARE ALL IN GRAVE DANGER.
THE RESULTS OF THE TESTS ARE IN AND IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED
THERE ARE DANGEROUSLY HIGH LEVELS OF RAYDON
IN GREENVILLE'S BASEMENTS.
NOW WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PROBLEM.
IF WE DON'T... OK, SHARON.
WHOA, BOY! WAR OF THE WORLDS.
OH, THEY'RE ALL COMIN' DOWN WITH RAY GUNS.
I'M SO SCARED.
OK, I THINK OFFICER BURRELL HAS SOME DOCUMENTS FOR YOU TO SIGN.
THERE SHE GOES. SHARON POTTER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WASN'T SHE WONDERFUL?
OH, MY, ALWAYS WITH THE HOLLYWOOD CAUSES.
SHE INSULTED ME AND SHE INSULTED ALL OF YOU.
BUT NOW SHE'S GONE AND IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY OPENED A WINDOW IN HERE, HUH?
NOW ON TO THINGS THAT WE ALL REALLY CARE ABOUT.
AS MOST OF YOU HAVE ALREADY PROBABLY HEARD,
ALL THE PAPERBOYS WERE FIRED TODAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THE WORST THING ABOUT ALL THIS
IS THAT WE'RE BEING REPLACED BY A MACHINE.
NO.
NOW, I KNOW THAT AS A PAPERBOY, I HAVE A FEW FAULTS.
NO, CHRIS, YOU'RE A GREAT PAPERBOY.
LARRY I KNOW, IT JUST ADDED A NICE RHYTHM IN MY SPEECH.
NO MACHINE COULD REPLACE YOU.
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
YEAH!
WAIT!
BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION I THINK YOU SHOULD HEAR MORE
ABOUT OUR HIGH-TECH FRIEND.
PICTURE HAVING YOUR PAPER DELIVERED
BY A STATE-OF-THE-ART,
SLEEK, SHINY,
WHISPER-QUIET, ROBOTIC BUDDY
WITH IT'S OWN GUIDANCE SYSTEM.
WOW!
OUR VERY OWN ROBOT?
ARE YOU SAYING IT'S JUST LIKE LIVING IN OUTER SPACE?
YES, VERY MUCH LIKE LIVING IN SPACE.
YOU MEAN, LIKE THE JETSONS?
YES. THE JETSONS.
WHEN CAN WE SEE IT?
IT'S IDLING RIGHT OUTSIDE.
WAIT, WAIT.
NO, DON'T GO. IT'S A TRICK.
HE'S THE DEVIL. DON'T GO. LARRY, LARRY?
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?
I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SOUNDS KIND OF NEAT.
IT'S COOLER THAN THE BATMOBILE.
HEY, WAIT. DON'T GO FOLKS.
IT'S JUST A FAD.
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE METRIC SYSTEM?
EVERYBODY HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES AND THEN NOTHING.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT CHRIS.
HE'S BEEN SO DEPRESSED SINCE HE LOST HIS JOB TO PAPERBOY 2000.
WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE WE HAVE BEEN GETTING THE PAPER EARLIER
AND IN BETTER CONDITION.
PLUS, IT'S A LOT LIKE LIVING IN SPACE.
HI, DAD. HI, MOM.
MY! YOU'RE IN AN AWFULLY GOOD MOOD THIS MORNING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT I REALIZED I HAD TO THINK THINGS OUT.
SO I GAVE MYSELF A FULL-BODY HERBAL RUBDOWN.
AND I REALIZED THAT
I REALLY SHOULD HAVE GIVEN UP MY PAPER ROUTE A LONG TIME AGO.
YEAH, LIKE MAYBE WHEN YOU WERE 12 YEARS OLD?
YOU KNOW, I KNOW NOW THAT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE
THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER JOB FOR ME.
I MEAN I COULD BE ANYTHING.
I COULD BE, UH, A JET PILOT,
OR... OR MAYBE A POLICEMAN,
OR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, OR MAYBE A COWBOY.
THE POINT IS, I'M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GET ME DOWN.
I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE, I'M GONNA POUND THE PAVEMENT
UNTIL I FIND A BETTER JOB
AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY
STOP ME.
THIS DOOR'S LOCKED.
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? I'VE FAILED.
I'M A LOSER.
WELL, HE GAVE IT HIS BEST SHOT, GLADYS.
COME IN.
OH, CHRIS, ARE YOU OK?
YOUR FATHER AND I ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU, RIGHT, FRED?
OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THIS GARBAGE SCOW.
I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW BAD OFF YOU REALLY WERE, CHRIS.
YOU'VE COMPLETELY BOTTOMED OUT.
OH, NO, FRED, HIS ROOM'S ALWAYS BEEN THIS VILE AND DISGUSTING.
HE'S JUST KIND OF A PIG.
WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.
NO, DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I HAVE JUST KIND OF LET MYSELF GO.
LOOK AT ME. I LOOK LIKE FOSTER BROOKS.
REMEMBER, HE'S THE GENTLEMAN FROM THOSE ROASTS,
AND HE'D COME OUT AND HE'D HICCUP...
WE KNOW WHO HE IS, CHRIS.
OH, HE'D MAKE US LAUGH AND FORGET OUR PROBLEMS FOR A WHILE.
I COULD SURE GO FOR A VISIT FROM GOOD OLD FOSTER BROOKS RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
GLADYS.
DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH T.V. AS A KID CAN MAKE YOU AN IDIOT?
OH, I MISS MY OLD JOB.
I MISS SITTING SNUGLY ON MY BICYCLE SEAT,
GOING OVER PARTICULARLY BUMPY PARTS OF THE ROAD
AND THINKING ABOUT GIRLS.
FRED, SAY SOMETHING TO HIM.
GIVE HIM ONE OF YOUR PEP TALKS.
CHRIS?
KNOCK IT OFF. YOU'RE DRIVING US NUTS.
OK, I THINK WE GOT THROUGH TO HIM.
LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
OH, FRED,
LOOK, IT'S PAPERBOY 2000.
I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D LIVE TO SEE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN OUR LIFETIME.
NICE JOB, GLADYS.
MY LITTLE SPEECH WAS JUST BEGINNING TO SINK IN.
OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
I KIND OF MISS YOU DELIVERING OUR NEWSPAPERS TO US,
BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
NO ONE CAN BEAT A MACHINE.
WAIT A SECOND, MA.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA...
WAIT, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
BEAT A MACHINE?
YEAH, THAT. THANKS.
THANKS.
HE'S GONNA MAKE A HORSE'S ASS OUT OF HIMSELF.
THEY WANT HIGH-TECH, I'LL GIVE 'EM HIGH-TECH.
HEY, LOOK EVERYBODY.
HEY, IT'S JUST LIKE LIVING IN SPACE.
IT'S NOTHING LIKE LIVING IN SPACE, YOU MORON.
CHRIS, REMEMBER, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TODAY,
THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY YOUR DIGNITY
BECAUSE YOU PRETTY MUCH DID THAT YOURSELF WITH THAT OUTFIT.
LARRY? IF I DON'T MAKE IT,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY WILL IS UNDERNEATH MY MATTRESS IN MY BEDROOM.
I'M LEAVING EVERYTHING TO MY PARENTS,
EXCEPT FOR MY DIRTY LAUNDRY.
I'M LEAVING THAT TO SHARON,
WITH SPECIFIC ORDERS THAT SHE SEPARATE THE COLORS WHEN SHE WASHES THEM.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I'LL BE DEAD,
I'LL STILL WANT MY COLORS SEPARATED.
SHE'S GOTTA DO IT RIGHT, I MEAN IF IT'S MY LAST WISH?
IT'S THE LAW.
SHE'S GONNA BE SO P.O.ED.
LOOK, EVERYBODY.
HERE COMES PAPERBOY 2000.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
COULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHICH END OF THIS TIN CAN IS THE BUTT,
BECAUSE I'M JUST ABOUT TO KICK IT.
YOU KNOW, PETERSON,
YOU'RE A GUTSY,
EMOTIONALLY TROUBLED KID
AND WELL, BETWEEN US, I HOPE YOU WIN.
AH, WHO AM I KIDDING?
I DON'T WANT YOU TO WIN, I'LL LOOK LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
READY, SET...
I KNEW IT, GLADYS.
QUICK, LET'S SLINK AWAY BEFORE SOMEBODY NOTICES THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.
CHRIS. ARE YOU OK?
YEAH, I'M OK.
WELL, ACTUALLY YOU DID BETTER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.
I FIGURED YOU'D JUST FALL OVER AND SET YOUR CLOTHES ON FIRE.
WELL, LARRY, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
I GUESS IT'S OVER, CHRIS.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
I GUESS SOCRATES WAS RIGHT.
YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT A BIG HIGH TECH COMPUTER-DRIVEN
NEWSPAPER DELIVERY SYSTEM.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M MAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY FAILURE IN STRIDE.
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU
GOD! IT'S GONE GOOFY ON US.
OH, NO. PAPERBOY 2000 IS HEADED RIGHT FOR THAT BABY CARRIAGE.
BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THERE'D BEEN A BABY IN THERE?
CHRIS, THAT WAS BRILLIANT.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO FINALLY GET IT TO STOP?
I DON'T KNOW I THINK IT JUST KIND OF RAN OUT OF GAS.
CHRIS, YOU'RE A HERO.
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU THIS BABY CARRIAGE
COULD HAVE NEEDED MAJOR REPAIRS.
WELL, PETERSON, I GUESS YOU MADE YOUR POINT.
PAPERBOY 2000 IS FLAWLESS EXCEPT IF SOMEONE KICKS IT IN THE TIRE.
IT TURNS INTO AN OUT OF CONTROL KILLING MACHINE.
IT'S STARTING TO MAKE SENSE WHY THEY BANNED THIS THING IN EASTERN EUROPE.
I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE RISK TO INNOCENT PEOPLE
OUTWEIGHS THE EXTRA $4 A WEEK FOR HUMAN PAPERBOYS.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
PENDING APPROVAL FROM THE HEAD OFFICE,
WE'RE REHIRING ALL THE OLD PAPERBOYS.
NOW WAIT A SECOND. MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOU LITTLE JOB BACK, HUH?
DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?
MAYBE I WANNA BE THE TIN FOIL WOODSMAN IN THE TOWN,
ADORED BY ALL THE CHILDREN FROM NOW ON.
WELL, IF YOU'VE GOT A BETTER OFFER.
NO! I SAID MAYBE.
COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OF COURSE I WANT MY JOB BACK.
HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M BACK.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK WE'VE ALL KIND OF LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON HERE TODAY.
THAT A MAN, NO MATTER HOW PUNY OR BALD
OR OVERWEIGHT OR BEARDED
CAN STILL HAVE A PLACE IN TODAY'S SOCIETY
THAT'S MOSTLY RULED BY
CORPORATE BIBIDDY BOBIDDY BOOBIDDY BOOS.
AND THAT ONE MAN'S VOICE CAN STILL BE HEARD OVER
THE ENDLESS DRONE OF... OF THOSE THAT SEEM TO DRONE ON ENDLESSLY.
AND ACTUALLY WHAT WE SHOULDN'T DO IS CHIT CHAT REALLY,
FOR TOMORROW IS LABOR DAY.
HEY, WHERE'S EVERYONE GOING?